By Mrs. Goodmanners
There are advantages to being older than dirt, like you’ve been around the block a few times and took pictures. History reruns as regularly as Myth Busters. Of course, the wrinkles and gray hair can make a girl want to hang black crepe over her mirrors. And since my extended campaign to enlighten the world that these are signs of wisdom has stalled, I thought I’d take you youngsters on a walk down memory lane into the long-forgotten Valley of Common Sense.
Thomas Paine used to talk a lot about common sense back when we were just kids, but that was before he got his shoe buckles turned around backwards and not even Dr. Franklin could get Tom’s hardware straightened out. Still, Tom made good sense when he used common sense.
Let me tell you, old Tom would be horrified by the lack of regard for nature and man’s natural rights by today’s twisted phoney environmentalists and their mutual parasitic existence with the bloodsuckers in our nation’s capitol.
What? An old conservative white woman is worried about the environment? Well, dust my britches. That can’t be right. Everybody knows conservatives just want to commit unlawful hanky-panky with the environment so their rich corporate buddies can get richer and richer, at the expense of mother earth and the children, of course. The children that didn’t get lost at Planned Parenthood, anyway. Woe be unto Gaia! Oh yeah, and the poor little children!
I know! Let’s pass a bunch of laws that will protect everybody by giving those wonderfully altruistic federal agencies more control over those awful people who don’t care about our beautiful world, because, as any progressive-minded person knows, mama Gaia can’t survive without carbon trading and food safety. And, while we’re saving the earth and the children and the eggs, let’s tweak these laws to give an advantage to our campaign donors…I mean, our responsible friends, who aren’t really corporations, but just kindly old job-makers for…oh say, chemists and scientists who just want to improve on Mother Nature’s design by reworking seed genes and useful chemicals to help farmers enjoy the earth’s bounty. The new improved bounty. The patented ones. The ones which the company can sue unsuspecting farmers for when the patented genes skip over to their fields uninvited. The ones that are creating Franken-weeds that nothing will beat into submission. The ones that no one has a clue what the long-term effects will be on humans or animals who consume the bountiful fruits of the genetically-altered, better-than-nature’s, patented seeds and their accompanying chemical sprays.
What a grand idea! Just think, if Monsanto’s enhanced Round-Up creates weeds that cannot be killed and that wonderful elixir is sprayed on our genetically-altered food, people will evolve into Supermen. We’ll be able to leap small borders will a single bound–because who needs ’em when we’re one big happy race of superpeople, all living off the grace of chemical brilliance and genetic tinkering. And, we’ll be able to redistribute the fruits of our labor with lightning speed into the pockets of bureaucrats and CEOs–because they know what’s best, and in order to keep us safe from ourselves, they will need a little more in resources than the ordinary sheeple, who really are overweight anyway. As an added bonus, we’ll be able to squash those pesky organic farmers and local farmers with regulations as tough as tire irons–and, if we’re really lucky, we can eliminate all competitors for Mother Earth’s love by having our genetically-altered seeds render sterile all those inferior natural seeds. Won’t Mama be proud?
Gosh darnit! I just love a happy ending, don’t you?
Except, Forbes Magazine isn’t very happy. In 2009, they named Monsanto as Company of the Year. However, that little love pat came back to bite them in their posterior. In October, 2010, they had a change of heart: Forbes was Wrong on Monsanto. Really Wrong. Unfortunately, the Forbes author’s distress was over the failure of Monsanto’s enhanced Round-Up to kill the super-weeds–as if there is no correlation between the two and those wonder-weeds mysterious dropped in from outer space–and he was really whizzed off about the cheap Chinese dandelion-destroyer overtaking the market. He seemed more regretful about the financial hit than the fact Monsanto had created a Franken-weed. Just kinda ignored that whole part of issue. He also lamented that Monsanto’s expensive bio-engineered seed corn–with eight-brand-spanking-new genes–looks like a dud. These terrible turns of fate for Monsanto has lead to massive share declines and–bless Forbes’ heart–ridicule from other publications for the premature crown of corn silk they bestowed on Monsanto.
Lest I give the impression this author is a dollar-sign dolt, he is genuinely worried. This company-of-the-year debacle could be as bad as when Forbes named Pfizer C.O.T.Y in 1998, then Viagra went limp. Despite Pfizer sucking in a list of smaller drug companies and their bevy of new drugs that have turned out to be as useful and safe as Viagra, things are still on the skids. But there’s a kernel of hope to be found. The author is sure Monsanto, like Pfizer in its field, will maintain its destiny to be the premiere bio-engineered seed purveyor for years to come. I’m so happy for him. In those years to come, I’m sure he will be proud of the second nose he grows on his left cheek after decades of consuming genetically-altered food that has been sprayed with bizarre chemicals that may help create rampaging, killer tomatoes from genetically altered seeds that will eat him and both his noses. But hey! Monsanto’s stock went through the roof. Let’s get our priorities straight here, kids.
Lord only knows how people have fed themselves since the beginning of time without the FDA and Congress to regulate every morsel that goes into their mouths. Common sense, people–something there is a dearth of in the hallowed halls of Congress.
In the meantime, let’s put aside this old woman’s hyperbole and sarcasm. Houston ain’t the only place with problems. It’s time we, the chubby and skinny people, tell the government to knock it off. Ban these monster seeds, stop trying to regulate what moms can sell to buy baseball uniforms, and get out of my kitchen! Then get out of the way and let farmers farm, and states control their own food production with as few common sense regulations as possible. For more on this story and a decidedly un-sarcastic view, see this article and those linked: Monsanto’s Ongoing Corruption Incites Forbes Retraction.